Friday, 27 December 2013


The tiny corner of Second Life that I occupy would have me believe that the only type of SLex (that is, Second Life sex) - and of sex - that exists is some form of BDSM. Since I don't engage in SLex, I can't say that I have tested this theory, but the topic often comes up in conversation and I have been approached more than once by, usually older, men who think that Kitti would be a cute little submissive. They've obviously never seen her turned fey

I have been asked more than once if I identified as a Dominant or as a Submissive, and when I said neither, I was laughed at, as if everyone must be one or the other. I have witnessed those who say they don't engage in BDSM say that they have Dominant tendencies, or Submissive tendencies, and whilst I can understand how you can recognise read-about traits in yourself, I'm not sure why these people - who have no interest in BDSM - feel the need to identify at all.

The Dominant/Submissive relationship is referred to in short-hand as 'D/s'. I am uncomfortable with the idea of BDSM, not in the least because of that short-hand reference. Despite claims that Submissives have as much power as Dominants, no one in my corner of SL has yet to see why they should capitalise the 's' for Submissive, or put into the lower case the 'D' for Dominant. It seems like pedanticism, I know, but if language encodes thought, it's much more important than that. If there is equality in thought, why not in the expression of those thoughts?

Despite my uncomfortableness surrounding it, I am not writing this post to complain about the BDSM community in SL, nor do I imagine that the BDSM enacted in SLex is anything like what is enacted IRL, and I recognise that there is a difference between the romanticised brutality of the oh-so-popular Fifty Shades of Grey and the lifestyle that is lived out by the well-researched. There are nuances. All I ever seem to do in this blog is acknowledge nuances :P.

I suppose that what I am trying, awkwardly, slowly, woodenly, with difficulty, to get at, is that there is a whole world out there - a whole virtual world out there - and it seems odd to want to narrow the world down into two slender channels, one labelled Upper Case D, the other lower case s. I wonder what role pornography has in this, and I have no idea if the explosion of the BDSM culture in SL came from a RL influence, or whether it is working the other way around.

I want equality; equal love, equal passion, equal give and take. I know that sex doesn't mean love, but why shouldn't we look for the signs of love in sex? I don't want to be dominated or dictated to, and I don't want to dominate or dictate. I want a desire to be close to another person in every way that presents itself in that moment. Connection, not control. And the pursuit of that is not futile.

So...yeah. This is my stop. I'm getting off here (no, not like that. That's just rude). Writing this post has felt a little like trying to get blood out of a stone, and I'm not sure that I have managed to achieve what I wanted to achieve.

I hope you had a good Christmas.


  1. The biggest influence on SL BDSM is Gor, in RL a fringe BDSM scene based on, of all things, a series of horrendous fantasy novels set on a world where men are men and women are chattel.

    Although its influence is not always explicitly stated, you can see it encoded - i mean literally coded - in RLV, particularly in things like OpenCollar, the standard animations in which ("tower", "kiss", "nadu" etc) are Gorean.

    I think this probably underlines rather than undermines your point.

    Oh, and, the lowercase "s" so often seen in "D/s" bugs me too.

  2. Well-written, Miss Wytchwood, I agree whole-heartedly. And 'Miss' sounds perfectly wrong in this context so please excuse me while I go and facepalm quietly at myself.

  3. Thanks, sian, for filling in that gap for me. I did know about Gor, although the ins and outs, not so much. Takuma, thank you :). I'll forgive you your 'miss', lol, just this once XD


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